Ah, so, so.

    Today was an dayIn a 50-50 kind of way.. family day. Yes, family gathering. Which have turned increasingly awkward and comfortable as the years go on. The only comfort is the ability to smoke cigarettes openly , rather than hide at the side of the house with my hair tied in a knot, to keep my hair from reeking of smoke. Even though they would never have noticed. Their cigarettes smelling sensors have been broken for years. Perhaps since birth.


Manohman. I feel heavy. This unhealthy routine I've dedicated myself to has been nothing but draining. Horrible, horrible facial expressions printed on my face. Constantly smiling droop. The blazed eyes don't help much but the mentality, which follows behind. It's addicting, shifting the mind.The thought of reality sometimes places me in a irritable trance. Similar to the feeling of been trapped in a jar. Feeling displayed and hidden in the shadows of my bedroom is what I am choosing to do with my life. How pathetic of me to choose. I may need to inject myself with my optimistic affirmations. Couldn't do any harm. The only harm is aching my stubborn thoughts. What irritates me most about myself is that once i realize what I need to do to feel satisfied I plan it all out. The workouts, the drills, the simple to do's are even incomplete. Or, have never even been tempted to complete. It is as if by morning my entire motive has shattered. All the brain power and plotting just gets documented. I live through these documents. They make me feel like I am heading the right direction if I just write that I am, I must be. Right?

Hahahahaha
Righteous thoughts.